Marine Corps funnies...sorry Navy, Air Force, Army, and Coast Guard

A writer decided to write a book about famous churches and chapels around the military.

He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA. On his first day he was inside the base chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The soldier replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Hood, TX, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, the Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it!

He decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived aboard Camp Lejeune, NC, and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the chowhall. There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a gunnery sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign. "Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine base now, sir, it's a local call."



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A Marine in Iraq receives the following "Dear John" letter:

Dear Jack,
I am sorry to say that I am breaking up with you. You are just too far away and you won't be home for a long time. I think you have the right to know that I've already cheated on you with two other guys. I am sorry it has to be this way. So please just mail me back the picture of us that I gave you right before you left. Again, I am so sorry.

Love,
Becky

The heartbroken Marine went around to all of his buddies asking for any pictures of girls...moms, aunts, girlfriends, etc. He sent them to her with a note saying:

Dear Becky,
I am having a hard time remembering who the fuck you are. So just take your picture and mail me back the rest.



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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama bin Laden?!" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."



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Back in 1947 the government was experimenting with a Marine's ability to complete his mission after suffering a serious head injury. They took a well-trained, physically-fit, hard-charging Corporal and told him to row a canoe up a river. The Corporal jumped in the canoe, started rowing upstream with ease and began singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, To the Shores of Tripoli."

The next day a team of surgeons performed a frontal lobotomy on the Marine. Again, they took him to the river and said, "Row."

Again the Corporal jumped in, took a second to find his seat, started rowing with a little difficulty and began singing. It took a little more effort this time, "From Da Halls of Montayuma, Two Da Stores in Tripoli." But he made it up river and completed the task.

The next day the surgeons removed the majority of the Marine's brain and took him to the river. The Corporal jumped in, fell out, and began swimming up stream, singing "For Da Hails of Monte puma, to 'e hall inn monopoly." But again, he made it up river and completed his task.

The next day the surgeons removed the remainder of the Marine's brain. He had no brain whatsoever and no way to think logically. They took him to the river. He fell out of the canoe and began singing, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder...."



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A Ranger platoon was on patrol when the Lt noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area. The Lt told two of his men to go take out that man.

They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Marine. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two Rangers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers.

The Lt, pissed, called for a squad to go get that Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward the Marine. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The Ranger squad followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Rangers.

The Lt was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that the Rangers were far superior to the one Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The Rangers followed.

For many minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued. Finally there was one lone Ranger crawling back to the Lt, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His BDU's were torn, cuts were all over his body. The Lt asked what happened.

The lone Ranger, bloody and beaten, replied in a forceful and fearful voice, "Sir, run, it's a trick! There are TWO of them!"



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An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

The admiral (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the admiral states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the SEAL, he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the highly-trained soldier that he is) took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

The Army general says, "That wasn't nothing," and turning to the Ranger he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Ranger moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Ranger hands him the eggs.

The Marine general then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his Force Recon Marine he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Marine looks at the general, then the cliff, and again back to the general, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The general turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, that's BRAVERY."



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A sailor is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up to the urinal beside him. After a few seconds the sailor finishes, shakes, zips, and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips up, and walks to the door.

Just then the sailor says, "Hey Marine! When I was in boot camp, they taught us to wash our hands when we finished!" The Marine looks at the sailor and says, "When I was in boot camp, they told me not to piss on my hands."



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Stand by when you hear one of the "Five Most Dangerous Things in the Marine Corps"

  1. A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp..."
  2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
  3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
  4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
  5. A Gunny chuckling, "Watch this shit..."



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We've all heard about the "Old Corps" from those "Old Salts."

Back in 1775, in Tun's Tavern, recruiting started for the new Marine Corps. The very first Marine enlistee came in, signed the papers and took an oath. He was then told to go outside and wait for the other enlistees to go through the process. They would assemble later on the front yard.

After a few minutes the second enlistee came out and had a seat on the steps, beside the first. The first man looked at the second and began, "Son, let me tell you about the Old Corps."



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The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:

  1. Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
  2. Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
  3. Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
  4. Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
  5. Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.

Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.



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Okay, this one isn't exactly a Marine joke, but it's still funny!



Of all the services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the shit hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the first sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chowhall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the platoon commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the shit hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his first sergeant andputs on a muddy set of cammies because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a captain, gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the shit hits the fan, the young sailor is eating breakfast in the mess room. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em hell, sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the shit hits the fan, the airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonald's for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the plane. He starts the engines. Our young airman stands at attention, gives the captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em hell, Sir!"



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A Navy SEAL walks into a Marine bar near Camp Lejeune, N.C., and announces loudly, "I hear you Marines are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll pay five hundred dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots of Jack Daniels back-to-back." The room falls quiet and no one takes the SEAL's offer. One Marine gets up and leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Marine who left shows back up and taps the SEAL on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Marine.

"Yep," replies the SEAL, and he asks the bartender to line up ten shots of Jack Daniels.

Immediately, the Marine slams all ten shots, drinking them all back-to-back. The other bar patrons cheer as the SEAL sits down in amazement. The SEAL pays the Marine the five hundred dollars and asks, "If ya don't mind me asking, where did you go for that thirty minutes you were gone?"

The Marine replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the bar down the street to see if I could do it first!"



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An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit!"

A Recon Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb. pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"



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A soldier, a sailor, and an airman got into a fight about which service is the best. The fight was so heated that they all managed to kill each other. Soon, they found themselves in heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask him:

"Which branch of service is the best?"

St. Peter replied: "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what he thinks the next time I see him."

Some time later the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:

"Gentlemen: All the branches of the service are 'Honorable and Noble'. Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that."

Signed,

GOD
United States Marine Corps (Ret.)



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More Funny Things

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rank.html: Proper Definitions of Rank

createdmarines.html: How God Created Marines

newbootcamprules.html: New Recruit Training Guidelines.

oathsofenlistment.html: "Oaths of Enlistment" for each branch of the military.

bumperstickers.html: Funny Marine Corps bumper stickers.

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12stepprogram.html: 12 Step Program for Recovering Marines.

deployment.html: How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq.